Trying to study

The plan was to spend all day yesterday and this morning on my ten-page paper, and hand it in at class at 9:40.  When that didn't happen, I was going to work on it all day today and hand it in early tomorrow morning.  But again, that didn't happen.  Even though I had, in my mind, dedicated the day to it, I still didn't follow through, didn't accomplish my goal.  Let's see why.

After class, I went back to the DSPT campus for Mass & Lunch.  Finished lunch at about 1:00, or a little later than normal but within a reasonable time.  I took a very short nap in my car (10 minutes), listened to music for about ten, and then went upstairs to study and write my paper.  I couldn't concentrate very well, nor could I decide what section to read, as I was reading an unfamiliar book that Jamie had lent me for the use of my paper.  After maybe 20 minutes, I asked Jamie some questions about the Reformation, the answers to which took up another 20-odd minutes.  I'm not sure what I did with the rest of my time, but at about 2:45 I realized that I was making no progress at DSPT, so I decided to walk to the library.  Jamie asked for a ride, since he needed to go there too.  I was really planning on walking, but I decided to drive just to be nice to him.  It was unfortunate for me, because I was really looking forward to the exercise of walking.

Once in the library, I decided I needed a little bit of relaxation, so I consciously decided to play a little Warlords (a simple online strategy game).  I don't remember why I thought I needed a break before I had even started writing, but I remember I thought I was justified at the time.  When I had finished my short gaming break, I realized it had been 45 minutes, and I was still not in any mood to work on my paper.  I opened it up, read what I'd written, and couldn't figure out how to write another word.  So I read for a little bit, but found myself starting to fall asleep.  Thinking I needed exercise, I got up, did some push-ups, and went for a walk around the block -- which included some serious hills.  I continued walking around the library until I figured I was ready to go back to studying.  However, my luck was not much better: I again found myself falling asleep. I fought it for a while, but then relented and napped for 20 minutes.  When I woke up (drooling on the desk, mind you), it was now 5:00, and time to start thinking about cooking dinner for the St. Patrick's Day potluck.  I spent a few minutes online looking for a recipe for gnocchi, but soon realized it was going to take a lot more work than I wanted to spend on it.  So I got in my car and drove to DSPT, hoping to think of an alternate recipe on the way.

A little more internet research at DSPT provided me with a really easy recipe for potatoes, butter, eggs, milk, cheese, and spices.  Mmm-mmm, sounded good.  So I went to Safeway to buy the groceries, came back, and started preparing the meal.  But I was behind schedule now, and the dish wasn't in the oven until after 7:00 (eating had commenced at 6:30!)  I reluctantly went into the lounge, served myself some food, and sat down with some friends.

We had some quite interesting conversations, the most notable topic being theological anthropology -- specifically, sin, grace, and free will.  I do not understand the interplay between these three, as it relates to choice.  My understanding of Catholic theology is that God chooses to save us, not that we choose to be saved.  So, the only choice we make is whether or not to allow God to save us -- whether or not to accept the gift of His grace.  Grace keeps us from sinning, but only if we choose to accept it.  We can, for several reasons, not receive the grace that God has offered us: to ignore it, to place an obstacle between it and us, or to obstinately refuse it.  David and I raised the question "How do you know if you are creating or nurturing an obstacle to God's grace?" (Another question is, can we really block God's Grace if we want to? Are we stronger than it? Or, is this simply the one thing our will is capable of doing on its own, rejecting grace?) 

I have long been fearful that I am keeping an obstacle between God's grace (his choice and desire to help me) and myself.  But how to know what the obstacle is, and how to remove it? More importantly, am I myself placing this obstacle there, without knowing it? or without realizing it as an obstacle? 

After the long and educational discussion had turned to a much less interesting conversation, I evaluated my situation: should I take out a book and read, go home and read, do my paper, or what? I concluded that, as was the case in the library, I was still unable to focus on my paper.  I considered playing the piano, studying another subject, or playing a relaxing computer game like Civilization.  I had just decided to spend my time listening to a talk on holiness that Hannah had given me on CD, and was on my way to my car to do so, when one of my good friends called.  I had been expecting this call, and I knew I had to take it.  She had just gone through a long discernment process with her boyfriend about whether to stay together or not, and she wanted to talk about it with me.  Luckily, I was not presently doing homework or anything important, so I picked up.  We talked for over 45 minutes, and I was quite relaxed by the end of it.  Ready to go to bed, in fact.  So I got my stuff loaded back into the car and drove home, arriving about 10:15.  Then I had another 20-minute conversation with another friend about his job situation; by that time, I was really ready to go to sleep.  The only thing I still needed to do was to write this blog.

Why didn't I get anything done today on my paper? Because I couldn't! I spent four hours trying to write my paper, or trying to read, and being completely unable to do the one, and mostly unable to do the other.  Other distractions were present, such as the St. Patrick's Day dinner that I had signed up to bring food to, and my friends who were going through rough times and needed to talk.

Could I have done differently? No: I think I did the right thing in all cases, with the exception of playing that dumb game online that I really didn't need to do.  That took 45 minutes, but did it throw off my whole day? or at least my whole study session at the library?  I don't know, but it seems improbable.  I think the reason I did not get anything done today is because I was too tired.  I was too tired because I did not get enough sleep, because I was trying so very hard to get the paper in today.  Voilà -- Catch-22!